My Journey into Orthodoxy

Those words came in an email at the end of a lengthy discussion with an Orthodox Priest...and at that point I realized that I was Orthodox in my theology. Just how did a former strongly committed Calvinist land in this ancient, liturgical church? That's the story that is told here. Grab a cup of coffee, and read on!

Note: I don't do too much to develop theology and doctrinal ideas in this narrative, to keep it readable - check the various hyperlinks for more info.

Although I was born and raised Roman Catholic, I was never what you would call a strong believer. In fact, as I moved through my teen years, I became more and more disaffected with the whole idea of organized religion in general, and Roman Catholicism specifically. I was one of those kids who went to church because mom said so. As soon as I left home, I quit going to church, and developed my own personal philosophy with regards to God. In fact, I used to tell friends who tried to evangelize me that "I have a personal deal with God. When I die, He and I will work it out." Eventually I landed on what I learned later to be a Deist position - God had made the world and taken off for parts unknown, not to be seen again until we died. I had never really read the Bible, nor done too much in the way of studying the Scriptures. But it didn't matter, since I had my own deal!

In 1986 I met Chris, who became my wife later that year. Chris had been raised in various churches, Methodist, Baptist and finally landed in the Evangelical Free Church. She was a strongly committed Evangelical, and attended church regularly on Sundays while I slept in. I did attend church with her once and swore I'd never go back. I mean, after all, who wants to be told they are a sinner and in need of repentance? Certainly not me! My goal was to break her, slowly, of this crutch and bring her around to a more "realistic" view of the world, one that had little or no room for the God of the Bible.

After a year or so, Chris' church attendance was down to an occasional Sunday her and there, but no more. Things were moving along as I had hoped, at least outwardly. Inwardly, she was struggling with the situation and didn't know what to do, especially given my strong personality. The thing that finally pushed her to confront me was the birth of our first child. She insisted that we needed to find some kind of compromise church and start attending regularly. I wasn't keen on that, and we did have some heated discussions on the topic. Eventually, though I gave in and agreed to visit some churches.

Knowing Chris' aversion to anything that smacked of Catholicism, I suggested we visit an Episcopal Church (this one was Anglo-Catholic, very "High Church"). Needless to say, she didn't like it. It was "way too Catholic" for her. That put an end to the discussions for a while, long enough for us to end up in Chicago (where I had lived for some time before we married). It was then that I decided to complete my undergraduate degree part-time (I had dropped out in the mid-eighties to work for a computer company before completing my degree). I chose Elmhurst College in Elmhurst, IL because they had a newly constituted Computer Science curriculum, which included all new systems and was right in line with what I was doing for work then.

Little did I know, Elmhurst had once been a UCC (United Church of Christ) Seminary, and still had a requirement for a theology class for graduation, no matter that I was working on a science degree! Per my usual style of attacking problems head-on, I decided to take the theology class first and get it out of the way. I searched the course catalog and discovered a course in Theodicy (the problem of evil) which seemed tome a simple, quick way out ( read 5 books, write 5 opinion/analysis papers). But, as is usual, things didn't go exactly as I had planned. Far from "getting it out of the way" I ended up hooked! I changed my major to history, with a theology minor. As it turned out, the CS degree wasn't all that important, just having the BS was good enough for my bosses.

During that first theology class I met with the professor (who was a UCC minister) and outlined the issues that I had with my wife over church attendance. I wanted something of a Eucharistic Liturgy, but with her position, it couldn't be too "catholic." His suggestion was to check out the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America), the liberal branch of American Lutheranism. We visited a church and both agreed that it fit the bill - I had the Eucharistic Liturgy and didn't have to listen to 45 minute "harangues" and she had me in church. I think she won. ;-) After a few months, I began to really enjoy attending church and developed a fairly good relationship with the pastor.

During the time we were at the ELCA church I took several courses, including the history of doctrine and a couple of philosophy classes (also requirements). I met Augustine, Luther and Calvin, as well as Aristotle. I began to formulate my own doctrine, very much in line with John Calvin. I wrote several papers and came to very reformed positions on many topics. I still wasn't a Christian (at least in Evangelical terms), but I did have a philosophical position that could be called Christian. My pastor didn't think anything wrong with this, which was not surprising given his somewhat liberal bent.

The class that had the most profound effect on me was a Biblical theology class. Simple timing led to one of the most unique experiences I have ever had. I enrolled in this class during the summer semester, which was only 8 weeks long. The requirement for the class was to read through the entire Bible during the class (though the professor did suggest some omissions if we didn't have the time). For that eight week period, I nearly always had a Bible in my hands - on the train, on the bus, in the evenings, in the mornings, every spare moment was consumed with meeting the class requirement. I skipped nothing and read the entire Scriptures. As the professor (who was Moody Bible Institute educated but had become liberal) talked about how the Scriptures contradicted each other, I saw how everything simply fit together and that the Scriptures were clearly inspired - not just some interesting old books.

Then my world was rocked. The pastor, who I liked so much, was forced to step down due to an adulterous affair that he was having. I was thrown for a loop when he effectively refused to repent of his sin. All of that Bible reading had begun to affect my view of many things, especially of the need for repentance before a Holy God. How could he not repent? This bothered me and the more I pondered it the more I realized that I too had sinned greatly and never truly repented. I hated the notion that I needed repentance. I fought it, and became even more despondent. At one point, my wife thought I was suicidal, I was so depressed. The hound of heaven had his teeth in my leg and wasn't letting go, no matter how hard I fought. Finally, I couldn't take it any more and said "OK God, you win. Now what?"

Over the next year, I spent a lot of time studying Scripture and reading Luther, Calvin and Augustine. Our church had an interim pastor during that time, and when a new pastor was hired, his first sermon was so far out in left field (from my then theological views) that I couldn't even bear the thought of coming back the next week. I had become a hard-line, conservative Calvinist and he was a raging (my opinion) liberal. I couldn't take it. A friend of mine, who had been attending the same ELCA church invited me to visit his new church (he had much the same problem I did). I attended a Sunday night service that evening and we began attending as a family the next week.

The new church was a Bible Church, strongly Calvinist in its teachings, which fit right in with my developing theology. While I was at this church, I completed my degree. My very last theology course, which was on contemporary doctrine, called for a final semester paper on any topic. I decided to once again address Theodicy - that nagging problem of evil that continued to follow me around. I wrote my paper, turned it in and didn't think much about it. That is, until my professor called a few days later and asked me to come see him about the paper. He wanted to investigate some of the things I said deeper than I had, and also to question some of my conclusions.

During our conversation (over a couple of beers, as was our tradition), having reviewed numerous ideas I presented, he asked if I really believed what I wrote. I said that I did and he said "if so, you're not a Christian, you're a Stoic." I didn't realize it at the time, but he was right. I had come, effectively, to a position that said "Bad stuff happens. You can't change it. Deal with it." My "ironclad logic" had also concluded that if evil really existed, then God must have created it, or willed it to be created. We were simply puppets in God's hands, everything had been determined in advance. Everything came down to Fate - and you had to deal with it because you did (in fact could not) not have free will.

I continued on, serving at church, working through the ministry preparation courses, teaching (adults and kids) and putting a lot of time into various other ministries. During much of this time (since completing my degree in May 1995 to April 1998), I was, effectively, the church theologian - if somebody needed an answer on some obscure theological question, I could either answer right away or find it in my library. I developed an excellent relationship with the pastor, and worked with him on various sermons (expository type) as well as producing a 13-week radio show of his messages. Our families became quite close and we had many, many theological discussions over this period. He often ran ideas by me before using them on Sunday, just to ensure the logic, consistency and accuracy of his statements.

The first cracks came when he started preaching through Titus. As I read Titus with him, I saw something I had missed before - that a clear ecclesiastical hierarchy is being established by Paul via Titus, and Titus was (effectively) serving as a Metropolitan Archbishop! I remembered reading Ignatius of Antioch on this topic, and he was as clear as could be on the issue! I discussed this in detail with my pastor, bringing to bear early Church history and the Apostolic Fathers. In the end, I concluded that our church position was wrong, and that Titus 1:5 did not support the idea of "independent churches not under any outside control or authority" as our church constitution claimed. My pastor's response to this was "What do you want to do? Bring back bishops? Nobody will go for it!"

Well, this was interesting to me! He essentially agreed with my position, but said we couldn't act on it, nor would he say it from the pulpit because it wasn't the official position of the church. I then pushed him for a discussion with all the elders and asked a question about ultimate authority - if the elders were not able to agree on an interpretation of a passage of Scripture, how would they resolve it? The answer was that effectively, there was no way!

Other issues arose, and not just by my hand. Someone asked the pastor about the Deuterocanonical books, saying that they had been told that the books were originally included in the KJV. My pastor asked me about this and I told him that they had been used by the Church from the beginning, until they were dropped during the Reformation. After a good discussion on this topic, I asked him what he thought about the fact that these books were in the bibles used by the Apostles, as well as the early church. Again, no answer. It began to dawn on me that no matter how much the church rejected the idea of "tradition" with regards to doctrine it was bound by doctrinal tradition! There was no escaping this.

About this time, a couple of friends of mine (one Orthodox - called O here, the other a member at my Protestant church - called P here) began discussing Orthodoxy. P called me on a couple of occasions to ask questions about Church History and to get a better explanation of certain ideas that O was trying to convey. They were also working through a book called The Way by Clark Carlton, and P asked my opinion about several comments that Carlton made. This was difficult for me without the text, so I asked O for a copy of the book to help P understand it better. I also accepted his invitation to visit his church for Orthodox Easter (Pascha) services. An interesting (and discomforting) experience!

As I read the book, I discovered that on many issues, I agreed with Carlton. Although the book is somewhat of a polemic, I found many of his critiques of the Protestant position accurate. As P and I discussed the book, I found myself defending the Orthodox position. The more that P pressed, the more I realized that I was moving to an Orthodox position on many things. I decided it was time to find out more about Orthodoxy. I did have some basic ideas from my degree work, but the courses were so Western-oriented that very little was ever said of the Eastern Fathers - Augustine reigned supreme.

I borrowed another book from O, and took it with me on a business trip. On the trip, I bought another book on Orthodoxy: The Orthodox Church by Timothy (now Bishop +KALLISTOS) Ware. I came home Orthodox. At least mostly. I still had some issues, and began to read more (I've purchased at least 25 books on various related topics since May). I had some questions that O could not answer, so he put me in touch with his priest, Father Bill Caldaroni of Holy Transfiguration Orthodox Church in Wheaton, IL. We exchanged several emails and he patiently answered my questions. After a week or so, he wrote the line at the top of this narrative: "There is room at the three-barred cross for you."

My discussions with P continued, though now I was defending my own views, not O's! We went through nearly every possible issue. The harder he pushed, the more I was sure of my new position. The answers that I discovered just made sense! Everything fit together. I discovered the Fathers other than Augustine and saw that the consensus was not with Augustine! The West had gone down a path following one man, not the full deposit of faith. I knew that I had no choice but to become Orthodox.

But alas, there was a major impediment: my wife. Having such an aversion to things liturgical ("catholic" to her), I knew that I was going to have to do some serious work convincing her of the rightness of the theology (and the wrongness of our old position) to get her to even think about it for 2 seconds. There was no way I could think about taking her to Vespers or Divine Liturgy - she would have freaked out (which, even with a lot of preparation, she almost did anyway - more on that later)!

I really hadn't shared too much with her about this, other than to raise an occasional theological issue to get her thinking about things I knew would come up in the future. She was a bit concerned when I decided to attend Vespers at the church one Wednesday evening, but didn't say too much about it. We continued having some talks about theology, but again, nothing major. I was working bit-by-bit to get her to see things in a different light. What broke the whole thing open was when I decided to meet with Father Bill one Tuesday evening to talk through a bunch of personal stuff that had been building up in my life. This confused her - why was I, an Evangelical, going to meet with an Orthodox priest? She started asking lots of questions and we began having serious theological discussions. I introduced her to most of the issues, saving the toughest ones for last (especially the doctrine of the Eucharist). But even that too, was eventually brought out.

On Father Bill's advice, I obtained a copy of Facing East by Frederica Matthews-Green. This excellent book is, for all intents and purposes, a diary of a woman who converted to Orthodoxy from the Episcopal Church because of her husband. This book helped a lot. I raised all of the issues (from a Protestant point of view) and gave true reactions to them, even when the reactions were initially negative. Chris began to ask more questions and I was sure it was time to get her to church.

We attended Vespers and Chris was extremely uncomfortable. We had gone from the spartan worship hall of a Calvinist church to candles, incense, icons, bells, chanting, an altar and priestly vestments. Culture shock at its worst. Chris told me later that she nearly ran out in tears. I can understand, even I, who was raised Roman Catholic (and was comfortable with candles, incense and priestly vestments) had been uncomfortable my first time. Seeing people venerate icons, repeatedly make the sign of the cross, and otherwise act Orthodox was so intense for her. But she did stick it out.

We talked a lot about it over the next few days and I left it to her to make the final decision if we were going to do this - she had to be in agreement, and willing to convert. And it had to be whole-heartedly. That meant receiving communion, prayers to the Theotokos, veneration of icons, the whole nine yards. We talked this out for a couple of weeks (attending our old church the next week, then the Orthodox Church and then our old church again). At the end of that month, we agreed that we were certainly leaving our old church, the only question was where we would land. Chris agreed that we would attend the Orthodox church regularly, but was not yet ready to make a final commitment. That came a few weeks later.

At that point, the icons and candles went up in the house and we were officially received as catechumens a few weeks later. We were Chrismated November 8th, 1998 (our two youngest children were be baptized) and formally received into the One, True, Holy and Apostolic Church!

One side note - our old church actually wanted to hold what amounted to a heresy trial, and place us under discipline (i.e. excommunicate us). In the end, they agreed to a series of discussions, where we presented our position to them and answered their questions. It's quite clear that they continue to feel that we are in grave error (they wrote us a letter to that effect), but they had no answer for many of our critiques of their position.

On Sunday, June 10, 2001, I was ordained to the Subdiaconate by His Grace, Bishop +DEMETRI of the Diocese of Toledo and the Midwest of the Antiochian Orthodox Archdiocese of North America.

"Through the prayers of our holy fathers, O Lord Jesus Christ our God, have mercy on us and save us"

The Adams
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